Saying Goodbye

Yesterday Bebe's presence here in the house felt very tenuous. She barely seemed to be in her body. She opened her eyes a few times, and made a half-hearted swipe at me when I messed with her too much (I was trying to gently wash around her eyes). When she did open her eyes, though, she wasn't seeing anything in that room. Her gaze was very far away. Later on last night she fell into a deep sleep. I checked on her at 11pm and she was still snoring, sleeping, and appeared comfortable. I moved the bed a bit and kissed her goodnight. This morning when I woke the room across the hall from me felt very empty...and indeed as I tossed a robe on and went in to check on her she was gone. I never heard her make a sound.

I think she could have waited for a time when I was with her, holding her hand, but it doesn't surprise me that she went while everyone was asleep. Bebe has always been a private person...who valued her time alone. In recent days I know that she has felt the love that surrounded her, felt the easy weight of the cat purring on her feet, and known that she was safe and was home. But one of the last times she spoke to me she told me it was time for her to go.

I know that we will all miss her. But I'm so glad that her death and the end of her life was as peaceful and filled with joy and laughter as it was. I remain so amazed at how she rallied for our final family gathering...I will forever remember her singing with us as the chimes went. I am also grateful beyond words to have seen and been able to help her with processing the last parts of her life that were still hanging on and bringing sorrow or self-doubt. I was able to say the words that perhaps Bebe didn't hear, or perhaps just couldn't believe at the time, that helped her to finally heal some old wounds that she has carried for her lifetime. I am honored to have had the opportunity to be the voice of healing for her, and I am so glad that she was able to open to and receive that healing before she died.

There will be an article coming out in the Chagrin Falls paper soon about Bebe and her life in Chagrin. At this point, there is no Memorial Service planned. Gram had said she felt she didn't need one, and I have to admit that I feel that I am too disconnected from Chagrin myself to really plan one and do it any kind of justice. I invite you all who read this post (and I suspect there are far more of you than I know) to make comments here by pushing the "comment" button at the end of the post, and share your thoughts or stories. If among your thoughts are the desire to have some sort of parting ceremony for Bebe then state that too, and perhaps if enough people would like this than something could be arranged.

If you check back here, then I will post additional details about the newspaper article. Also, you can read the comments that people leave of their thoughts. If a gathering is wanted, then details of that will also be posted here.

I sent Gram with a request to take with her...Ash and I would like one more child, and would like it to be a daughter. I figured if anybody could find a good one to send down it would be her. She really liked this idea. If this works out, I would like you all to know as well that her middle name will be Aerene, in honor of my grandmother.

Lastly, please know that if you click on any of the photos in this blog they will open bigger for you, and you should even be able to copy them if you would like. You can also contact me at rncarey@gmail.com if you have additional thoughts you do not wish to share here.

Thank you all for your roles and your love in Bebe's life. She has left a trail of beautiful gifts, legacies, and love behind her...and part of that is due to your friendship and support.

PS- If anyone would like to make a donation of some kind in honor of her memory, the places she most supported (not surprisingly) were the Geauga County Humane Society, Petfix, NRDC, Defenders of Wildlife, and the Land Conservancy. I would be happy to provide contact details for any of these places. Or...on behalf of Gram...just go adopt a dog. With love,
Kate and Bebe

Bebe's Candlelit Christmas Tree, 2006

Sliding...

So it has now been 4 days since Bebe has really had anything significant to eat or drink. She's awake for only moments at a time. Some of those times she looks up at me, greets me with a smile, and encourages me to climb up with her. I rub her back, talk to her, and hold her hand in those times. Other times, now becoming more frequent, she does not want me to touch her at all. She looks at me, doesn't recognize me, bares her teeth and tells me to get out. She will no longer allow me to wash her face, or wet her mouth for her, or help her turn and reposition in bed. She usually allows and seems to enjoy light application of lavender oil to her forehead and collarbones. The scent is thought to be very calming for most, and I've been impressed with the effects it's had on patients who have had the opportunity to experience aromatherapy by someone who knows what they're doing with it (not me...I'm making this stuff up as I go). Gram is getting some medications, but really doesn't like those either, so we play it by ear between what I perceive of her discomfort and how much she's arguing me or not with the medications. I've had several spit back at me already. She occasionally requests water, but has been only able to tolerate small drops placed into her mouth with a 1 ml syringe before she yells "enough!" and doesn't want anymore.

I'm pleased to say that the last meal she did have (and enjoy thoroughly) was a large bowl of vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce. There are also moments of sweet calm where she smiles in her sleep, opens her eyes and briefly touches my cheek, then returns to sleep. Overall she seems comfortable, and when I do ask she denies any pain. I move her around with the bed controls when she's in deeper sleep to help keep her muscles from cramping too much. The memory foam mattress also is still helping significantly with that.

That's about it at this point. Just wanted to keep her Ohio family in the loop, too. Hope this finds you all well and cherishing holiday times with those you love.
-Kate and Bebe

Gram had a very agitated day yesterday. For 12 hours I spent most of the time in the room with her, trying to help her stay calm. We tried extra medication with only minimal success. She felt she was in a car, and the kids were on bicycles on the freeway going too fast. Then we were lost in the car, and she felt we needed to call the police. After several calls to Hospice and extra medication and a lot of assistance, she finally fell asleep. She woke up three hours later and started talking again. That time at least she was less stressed. Apparently she was having a gathering/party. We heard her singing for at least half and hour. There was something about "happy house" to the tune of Happy Birthday, then I heard her gathering "the boys and girls together" for more singing.

Today she has been understandably wiped out. She has slept all day, with little to no interaction. For the first time she has not stayed awake long enough even to eat or drink anything. Due to other complications, we also ended up putting in a foley catheter to help her stay more comfortable. She had been feeling like she needed to go but was unable to do so for the last 24 hours preceding our placement of the catheter. We now have additional medications if they're needed, but we'll see what the next few days hold. We'll keep you all posted.

PS- The above pics are from our Christmas get-together, we couldn't quite get everybody in the pic all at once. Too much baby chaos.

Gram has been doing incredibly well for her "Christmas" visit with everybody. When Dad came in she recognized him instantly, called him by name, and asked how MN was treating him. She remembered enough to ask then if Kay was coming as well, but took our answer of "not right now" very well.

We took dinners and breakfasts with Gram in her room every day. On our Christmas Eve we had four adults in her room with her; two in wheelchairs for seats, one in her wingback chair, and one on it's stool. Gram looked at us all and joked "well this is all kinds of formal, isn't it? Or it would be if you got your feet off the table!" So I pulled my feet down from the foot of her bed while she grinned at me, and we had a lovely dinner. Afterwards we lit up our traditional angel chimes and spoke of our appreciation at being together. Then we sang carols for about half an hour, and Bebe joined us in singing for most of the traditional ones. It was so sweet, and she had such a beautiful smile on her face. 

We all followed this with our traditional breakfast the next day, and Gram explained to us who Mrs. Hess was, that our coffee cake recipe came from. Overall it was a beautiful visit and Gram continues to be very high energy and very cheerful and interactive. I'm really impressed with how well she did. She loved watching the kids play, and continues to talk about that as well. We're all grateful to have had the opportunity to share a holiday together, as well as sharing memories of holidays past.   

Hmmm...

Well, I think it's safe to say that an a certain unnamed someone isn't feeling TOO badly, since she just had a huge bowl of ice cream with caramel sauce (per request) for breakfast. Had a pretty good lunch too. She's also in good spirits, is excited about celebrating Christmas, and is mostly remembering where she is.

I'm sure she's wishing you all happy holidays back home in Ohio as well.

Kate and Bebe

Christmas with Bebe

So we got a Christmas tree for Gram's room last night. She talked about it for an hour, and gave good instructions on the decorating of it. She's doing pretty well, seems to have rallied somewhat. She still can't get out of bed, even with a 2-person assist, but she hasn't asked to get up at all either. She had a good lunch today, cheese and crackers and oatmeal cookies with milk. She's excited about everybody coming for "Christmas" this week.

She comes in and out of focus...she's almost always traveling now, sometimes bus, sometimes car, sometimes train. She hasn't let me sleep much lately because she keeps shouting to me to make sure I'm not sleeping (very effective, I might add) since I'm supposed to be driving.

One picture is from about an hour ago, the other just shows a better look at the woods outside her windows. Today was too sunny to get that well in the pic. Gotta go, more shouting from both Gram and the baby in the background.

Bye!
-Kate

So above is a little video experiment. If it works I'll do another. Things have changed a little in the last 2 days. Gram tried getting out of bed 3 times...and each time couldn't find the strength to stand. I tried to encourage her, and perhaps get Ash's help again to get more support (something that has become increasingly necessary from time to time), but she wouldn't have it. She yelled that she couldn't do it and then collapsed (with help, landing on the bed again). She did not want to try again. So she just stayed in bed that day, and the day after. She's sleeping even more than she was before, though she's very oriented most times when she does wake. She's still eating and drinking some, a little less than before, but is still appreciating warm cinnamon buns out of the oven and such. She still says that she's not having any significant pain. The memory foam topper we've now got on her mattress seems to help keep her comfortable.

Since our conversation about dying, she hasn't seemed to be doing any more emotional processing. She hasn't even brought up John, much less the divorce. When she's awake we talk about little things, the weather, the baby, upcoming Christmas plans. She'll frequently drift back to sleep now even during conversations. I don't know if this change in her will last, but according to the Hospice team it's likely.

But Bebe remains in a good mood, laughs at the baby taking her room apart, and comments frequently on the beautiful green woods outside her window. Our weather has been chilly lately, but most of the trees here are of a kind that don't drop their leaves in the fall. So though we did have an Autumn with turning leaves and such, it's still very green and lush right now. I'll try to send a picture of her room, those of you who know her love of the woods will appreciate how very well it fits Gram.

Feel free to call for updates, or I will try to keep this going regularly as well.
-Kate

:}

Ever heard an 89 year-old Italian woman hold an entire business meeting in her sleep and then dress down one employee for incompetence and fire them...all in her sleep? I admit it would be even more entertaining if it was happening some other time than 2am...but I can tell you the fire is still there.

This is also evidenced by the occasional cussing that happens if Gram is feeling very tired but still has to transfer before going back to bed. She's been very tired the last two days. Yesterday, all day, she was convinced she was on a train. We gave up trying to reorient and just went with it. Yesterday was kind of a bad day...but she still feels well enough to eat a bowl of ice cream for desert even if she doesn't do much with dinner. Breakfast and lunch are still reasonably popular. At this rate dinner may just become a bowl of ice cream. Eh, there's got to be some benefits to growing old, right?

She seems to be in a much better space today. She slept in this morning, but is in good spirits and was very appreciative to the bath aid that just gave her a bed bath. Though even that much exertion kind of wipes her out for a spell afterwords. Yet she can still get herself to the edge of the bed at midnight when she can't find her car in the parking lot...*shrug*, nighttime is always a disorienting time for her. Her dreams are very vivid.

Hopefully today will continue to be a good day for Bebe. We've decided to put the Christmas tree and the presents in her room for the couple of weeks leading up to Christmas so that the tree lights can be her nightlight. I'm hoping it will also give her food memories and dreams of the holiday season. She's always enjoyed Christmas. This will also help if she is having a tired or bad day , to make sure we are able to share more of the holiday time with her. She can be in the comfort of her room in her bed or her chair if she's finding the bustle in the living area to be too much. There's plenty of room in her room for everybody. Besides...it keeps the cat from climbing the tree when I'm not looking.

Love from Bebe to all of you,
-Kate

pics

An interesting couple of days

Well, we had a lovely Thanksgiving, in which several friends came over to potluck...including this very large fuzzy one named North. Gram enjoyed the visit very much, and talked about the celebration the next day as well.

Bebe is doing well, eating ok, sleeping a lot. We had a very interesting a tearful conversation 2 days ago when Gram woke from a dream, called me into the room, and said, "I had a dream I was dying...I am, aren't I? And I'm going to have to go, but I don't want to leave you... I don't want to take you prematurely either". We talked about her illness, and that yes, she was dying. We talked about all the people she had waiting on the other side, and that she wouldn't go alone. She told me she would wait for me, so that when it was my time I wouldn't go alone either. She said many prayers, and all of them were about blessing me/Kit/Kay ("Kitzel-Kay-Kay...are you both?" she asked me. "Yes", I said, "I kind of am"). She wished for a good and long life for her children. We talked about how I wanted her to stay as long as she was still enjoying herself, but that I didn't want her to stay for us when she started to be in pain or wasn't happy here anymore. She didn't express any fear of dying...just worry again that I (the me/Mom/Kit combo) would be ok. I assured her I was happy in my life...and that I would continue to live it in gratitude for her, and still talk to her even when I wasn't able to see her anymore. I told her she could hang around and be this family's guardian angel if it was time to go, but she didn't want to leave us. She thought that was an excellent idea. She told me many times how much she loved me...and I told her I loved her very much too. She said that after all that she'd seen of who I was and what I'd done for her she really, truly felt and believed in my love. That, of course, is when any tears I was holding back were lost to my control. We talked for about 30 minutes, then she went back to sleep. When she woke, she never mentioned her illness or our conversation again. But it was so healing for me to have that conversation with her...to tell her the truth of her situation, and to assure her that she's welcome here as long as she wants to stay...but that we'll understand when she has to go too.

In the meantime, she loves sitting by the fire, helping out wherever she's able, and generally "living the life of Riley" as she puts it. I actually have no idea what that references...I may be the wrong generation. Anybody?

A bit of problem solving

Well, we learned some important lessons this week. For example, certain medications and Bebe do not mix. There were two really rough days, then we got things straightened out again. But for a couple of days, things were really confusing for Gram. For example, she's really wanting that particular bit for the horse bridal for the show...so if anyone's seen it please get it to her immediately. Oh, and she was also wondering if I would think it weird if she were to marry Ash's (nonexistant) brother, Charlie, and make it a foursome of us all. :}

But she's doing better now, and is in fine spirits. We had a visit from the Physical Therapist who helped us to work on some safe transfer techniques. Gram thought he was quite delightful, and loved that he gave her so many compliments on what a great job she was doing. She's all excited about Christmas, and has been writing cards for several of you back in Ohio. So those should be going out soon. Don't worry, after the last round of attempted writing, when Gram realized she couldn't read a word of it (though I got most of it, I think) we decided she would dictate this round.

Love to everybody from Bebe, and happy holidays.
PS- Thanks for the cards, those of you who have sent those out, she's enjoying them. Every few days we read them again. :}

Bit by bit we're establishing our rituals and routines around here. Gathering around the fire in the evening, naps in the chair after breakfast, a shared wheelchair ride with the baby every morning. Ronan comes in and helps Gram get up and ready in the morning...mostly by dismantling her bed and playing with her teddy bear. But he's gotten to the point that when he sees we're ready to go out into the kitchen he comes over to climb into Bebe's lap and join her in the ride down the hall. She loves it.

Conversations at meals vary from labor organization and child work ethics and laws, to what the plans are for Christmas. Bebe says she misses her friends, and she's working on writing some cards. I'll mail them out as we get them. But she also says she thinks she'll stay here, and you all will have to come and visit her here. She just doesn't think she wants to go back to work, or back to Ohio...too cold in the winter she says. She says she's "living the life of Riley" over here, but when we tell her it's doctor's orders she agrees not to feel to guilty about "all this lying around and relaxing". So things are going well, and we'll continue to keep you all posted.

-Kate and Bebe and the family

More updates from the first week

So Bebe has active days and tired days. We almost never make it more than twenty minutes at the dinner table before she's fallen asleep, elbows balancing on her placemat. She usually takes a nap in her living room chair after breakfast and in her room after lunch. But in between these times of rest she's had conversations with me and conversations with Ash that she may not remember the details of, but she seems very much to remember the resolutions from. In this way she's processing bit by bit everything from her move here to old feelings of loss from her divorce.
 
She always talks about how happy she is to be here, and how much she loves the feel of the house. Two days ago I set her in her wheelchair at the doorway to the porch, so that she could visit with us but still stay warm while a friend helped us to finish staining the roof. She loved it. She chatted with us, commented on how very picturesque the work party was, and spoke constantly of what incredible enjoyment this room in the woods would bring. 

Ash oriented her to where her bedroom was in relation to the sunroom and Bebe promptly informed us that she would be cutting a hole through her bedroom wall so she could enjoy the room more often. So I think it's safe to say her sense of humor is still very intact. She's also feeling pretty well...she even offered to get up on a ladder and help us paint. I told her Dr. Mettee would have my butt if I let her do any such thing, and she laughed. We encourage her in her feelings of strength and healing, we just make up excuses as to why it won't quite work for her to help just now, maybe next time. So far this works ok.

Nothing else currently to report. We're currently trying to find someone to playact the part of a lawyer so she can finish her resolution of her divorce. Being the businesswoman she is, she is very stuck right now on needing a good divorce lawyer to make sure that she is getting what she deserves to have from John in monthly support. This is especially important to her since she has mostly resolved that she does not want to work again, she would rather stay here and help with the babies...oh, and when am I going to make another one, please, she asks me?

More pics and possibly movie clips coming next week.

Kate and Bebe

The Journey, and First Day in Oregon!

From Katie:

The trip to OR went better than I possibly could have hoped. gram was very excited about coming to stay with me, and kept asking when we were leaving. She did talk about how she was going to miss her friends but she also spoke of how she didn't feel like there was anything else really giving her meaning. She thought that coming to be with family would change that.

Bebe stayed cheerful the entire trip, didn't even nap because she was too busy chatting. Sometimes she thought we were on a train, sometimes on the airplane, but she usually remembered where we were going. When we met the ambulance for the ride down to my house, Gram was commenting on the "first class care" she was getting, and she just charmed the ambulance crew. She said I was fun to travel with...possibly related to the fact that I packed cake for our trip. We had medicine for anxiety if the transition was difficult for her, but she never did need any.

When she woke at night after we had gotten her settled she said she was confused at first "but then I saw the leaves against the window and i knew where I was, it's just so beautiful here". Every hour or so when who's awake she comments on how beautiful the woods are, or how much she likes the house. Sometimes she refers to Arden as a hotel, sometimes as a nursing facility, but always she talks about feeling sad there, or lonely. Now she seems to be constantly smiling. Sometimes I'm her granddaughter, more often her daughter, but almost always still "Katie".

She keeps wanting to help out, so I ask her to keep an eye on the baby. So they pass toys back and forth, or she watches him play with her wheelchair, until she drifts to sleep. She is absolutely charmed by wee Ronan, and she can watch him play from her new recliner chair, which she loves. I'm still working on how to hide the remote for it, because Ronan also loves it, he particularly likes pushing the buttons and making the chair go up and down...giving Gram rather an interesting ride.

She woke just now and asked what I was doing. I told her I was typing an update for her friends. I asked what she wanted me to tell them for her. "Just that I'm loving being here with you...it's a beautiful spot".

Gram doesn't walk much, she gets tired easily. But she's able to stand by herself, so we manage her care pretty well with just the two of us. The only thing we need an extra pair of hands for is showers, and a care assistant will be coming through twice a week for that. My husband makes breakfast for us, and frequently dinner too. Fortunately, he's a very good cook. And though she still eats very little, at least she's complimenting the food instead of making faces at it. She loves the sunny weather we've been having, and the sunporch area is almost done as well. Ash has put out bird feeders and even food for the deer to ensure her plenty of wildlife to watch. Hmmm, my cats are going to be so excited.

So that's a long first update, as future ones are likely to be more brief. I will try to send updates here every week or, and will include pictures and stories as often as I can. Feel free to call for updates if you like, or send her mail.
3700 Hwy 238, Jacksonville Oregon 97530
541-899-3004

Welcome to Bebe's Blog!

Hello Friends,

We (Bebe's granddaughters, Katie and Chrissa) are creating this blog so friends can stay up to date with Bebe now that she has moved to live with Katie Oregon.  Anyone with the URL address or link to the blog can see and read it, but it will not be findable by Google or other search engines.  We hope this is a good balance of ease of access for friends, but still protecting Bebe's privacy.

We will update the blog with news and pictures, if you would like to receive an email when new posts are made, just let one of us know.  Otherwise, please check back occasionally to hear news of Bebe, and feel free to send her any cards or other mail at

Bebe Ober
3700 Hwy 238
Jacksonville, OR
97530